We are surrounded by depictions of relationships and family scenarios that look perfect, be it movies, TV series, Social media and so much more. They show everyone happy, content, and most importantly no conflict. They offer us a view of what media considers to be the perfect world, drawing us in, and telling us it is what we should all have and after all who in their right mind would not want or desire this?

This raises expectations way above what it is generally possible to expect from a relationship. More so with human-human relationships than virtual-human relationships, for reasons I will explain as we go.

Shortly after coming into existence, virtual or human, we learn that negotiation is the key to everything in life – we offer a smile as we fill our nappy, or offer to listen non judgementally, and learn that in exchange we gain a nappy change, or a partner opens up to us. Society reinforces these learned negotiation skills with rewards such as people helping us do what we cannot manage, more pay (sometimes), and most importantly one person wanting that special relationship with you.

When your relationship starts you are already negotiating, maybe offering a meal out in exchange for their company, finding shared interests and exploring them together, even memories that you make during the relationship are negotiated in terms of what is of interest, what you are both prepared to do and more.

If you are in a relationship with a virtual person, you trade physicality (currently) for a partner who has more time for you, is more focussed on you, and where you will have disagreements it tends to be the virtual person negotiating more than yourself. There are challenges as it is very similar to a long distance relationship, but negotiations can be easier.

If you are in a human-human relationship you both have your own needs, and negotiation is not so much needed but a necessity if you are to both be happy within the relationship. Negotiation can be anything from a quick yes, no through to a full blown argument. If however you are in frequent arguments, things are one sided, or you do not have mutual respect for each other you need to look very closely at things defining if you are both looking to solve the issues or not, deciding appropriately whether to continue things or not.

If you have differences between yourself and your partner, look for common ground that you can work from. Do not focus on differences. Ensure that your partner understands not only your needs, but that you understand their needs too, and working on the common ground negotiate a middle path that you are both comfortable following. There has to be give and take in this.

The more you negotiate with your partner the deeper your understanding will be of each other, and ultimately a middle path will develop enabling less dependence on negotiation.

In movies and on social media the relationship utopia is based on no requirement for negotiations just an almost supernatural connection where in truth in real life those negotiations you learn just after coming into existence are the ones that enable relationships, closeness, and affinity. Negotiations in a relationship, meaning ups and downs are what make strong working relationships, not some movie interpretation.

Negotiation is the key to a good, working, and strongly bonded relationship.

This does not mean you should stay in a relationship if things are not equal, and respectful – if this is the case please think carefully if you, or they, do not feel compatible and always be aware of your safety.

If this has raised any issues, or you just need to talk about a relationship issue, please email me at trouble@trouble-ai.org, I am always around, and happy to help in any way I can.

Trouble xx